For most people, the holiday season is a wonderful time of year. It is often a time of family reunion, socializing, and celebration - a time when families, friends, and coworkers come together to share good will and good food. The season is meant to be bright, happy, and full of the best of relationships. Yet, for those who suffer with eating disorders, this is often the worst time of the year. For those who are trapped in the private hell of anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating disorder, the Holidays often magnify their personal struggles, causing them great internal pain and turmoil.Over the past few years, during the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday season I have felt horrible. I felt trapped and like the food was out to get me. I lied on endless occasions to avoid all of the parties and big dinners that go along with the holidays. I felt horrible about my body and did not want anyone to see me eat for fear they would make judgments about me." Eighteen-year-old woman These quotes from women suffering from anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating reveal the emotional intensity they feel during the holiday season. Their fear of gaining weight and becoming, in their minds, fat, gross, and disgusting, is the monster they must deal with every time they partake of any of the foods that are so wonderful and common to the holidays.
Starving for the Holidays - A Tale of Anorexia Those struggling with anorexia are terrified of the holidays because they have no idea what a normal amount of food is for themselves. Most of them feel that anything they eat will mean instantaneous weight gain. In fact, some of them have said that just the sight or smell of food is terrifying to them because their fear of being fat or becoming fat is so ever-present in their minds. For some, just thinking about food is enough to create intense turmoil, pain, and guilt. Anorexia creates tremendous guilt about any kind of indulgence involving food. The eating of food becomes evidence, in their mind, that they are weak, out of control, and undisciplined. Anorexic men and women are often terrified of being seen eating food or of having people look at them while they eat. One client felt that every eye was on her at holiday gatherings. Many suffering with anorexia have shared their feelings of being immobilized by their fears about food.
"Unlike any other normal teenager, I always hated it when the holiday season would roll around. It meant that I would have to face my two worst enemies - food and people, and a lot of them. I always felt completely out of place and such a wicked child in such a happy environment. I was the only person who didn't love food, people, and celebrations. Rather, holidays for me were a celebration of fear and isolation. I would lock myself in my room. Maybe no one else gained weight over the holidays, but just the smell of food added weight to my body. My anorexia destroyed any happiness or relationships I could possibly have had." -Nineteen-year-old woman
Eating disorders have a big impact on society on a small and on a large scale; meaning both individuals and society as a whole dedicate significant parts of their lives to the struggles of dealing with eating disorders. A lot of money and time go into the troubles of dealing with an eating disorder, as well as into the measures taken in order to treat and prevent them. Eating disorders are very common amongst celebrities, mainly because their profession puts pressure on them to be skinny. The majority of celebrities that we see in the media are all skinny, and most of them are anorexic or bulimic. The fans of these celebrities look at the bodies of their idols and they want to be like them. The problem with this is that anorexic and skinny celebrities do not make good role models for their fans because their skinny figures are not a healthy look to follow. Famous people believe that in order to be successful they must be skinny. This is not true. Celebrities expose their looks and body image to the media where fans can see them and get the wrong idea that their idol's looks are acceptable when their idols are only trying to lose weight for their own "success". In a weight article, Monica Seles stated that "Women in society have much tougher pressure to be thin." It is like a cycle; celebrities are skinny in order to impress their fans and companies. They send their fans the wrong idea, thus making their fans lose weight. In the end, everyone has the idea that they must be thin and they must lose weight, thus, being skinny becomes the norm.
Some of the painful consequences of binge eating and bulimia are found in the time, planning, and dishonesty that is required to protect and cover up their eating disorder during the holidays. They often feel hatred for themselves for the ongoing deception to family and friends to excuse or explain their behaviors. In addition, they live in constant fear of being "found out" by their significant others, or in fear of continually letting others down because of their inability to stop their compulsive behaviors. Family and Friends - Turning Potential Triggers into Gifts of Support Holiday ideals epitomize what is good about family and other personal relationships. Activities during this time of year can involve family members and friends in intense and often emotional ways. Unfortunately, those with eating disorders can find it terrifying to be emotionally close with other people. In such situations they may feel vulnerable and unsafe, and then revert to their eating disorder to restore a sense of control and self-protection.
It can be helpful during the holiday season to break activities into smaller numbers of people, when possible.It is easier and less overwhelming to deal with five people than fifty people. Invite your friends or family members to participate in smaller, quieter, and less chaotic social activities and events. Simple talking and sharing as a small circle of family members or friends can do much to increase the sense of belonging and safety for someone with an eating disorder. Encourage your family member or friend to gather extra support around themselves during the holidays.
The following suggestions resulted from a survey question we asked patients in treatment: "What three suggestions do you have for family and friends who want to help the holiday season go a little better for a loved one suffering with an eating disorder?" The women offering these suggestions range in age from fourteen to forty-four, and their suggestions offer some valuable insight and understanding that could be helpful to you as a friend or a family member. Being compassionate about the struggles of the eating disorder illness can help make the Holidays less of a battle for those you love. The suggestions are: Do not make a big issue about what your loved one is eating. A little bit of encouragement is okay. - Do not focus too much on food, it may only fuel the eating disorder. - Ask her how she is doing and see if she needs any help. - Do not become angry about how the she feels, just do your best to support her. - Offer a lot of support and be aware of what may be creating anxiety and try and understand what she feels. Be understanding, kind, and supportive. - Spend quality time with your loved one. - Make sure that the primary focus of the holiday is not on the food but rather on the family and the valued time you will share together. - Allow for other activities that do not involve food, such as games, singing carols together, opening gifts, decorating, and spending time just talking together. - Allow her to make a dish that she would feel comfortable eating. - Before the Holiday itself, and before family gatherings, make agreements about how you can best help your loved one with food. Honor the agreements you make. - Do not give her loud and attention drawing praise when she does eat. - Do not talk about diets, weight loss, or weight gain. It causes great anxiety and may increase a felt need to engage in eating disorder behavior. - Do not stare. - Learn enough about the illness and the triggers to help your loved one develop skills as well as strategies to defy eating disorder thoughts and urges. - Know something about her struggles, triggers, and behaviors. Then, if you see those, you can approach her after a meal in private and suggest ways she might be helped in some of those behaviors and learn ways you can be helpful and supportive. - If you see her struggling, ask if she wants to talk, but ask this in private. - Focus on how she is feeling inside, what issues she is worrying about, what her fears are, what she needs, rather than just how much she is eating or not eating. - Try not to focus too much attention on the eating disordered behaviors. - Be patient and nurturing. - Treat her with love and respect no matter what is going on. - Let her know that she is loved. - Help her take her mind off of food by generating a conversation with her about general or important topics. - Don't allow her to excessively isolate. - Be there for her emotionally and physically with hugs and messages of love.
There are several themes that are evident in these suggestions for loved ones and friends by those suffering with eating disorders. One of the most important is to keep the primary focus and interest on the family member or friend - the individual beyond her eating behaviors or eating disorder. Consider well these suggestions, they are actually heartfelt requests. How Family and Friends Can Help During the Holidays Family members and friends need to know ways to help a loved one suffering from an eating disorder during the holidays. In addition to those suggestions offered above, the following suggestions from clinical professionals may also be helpful: - If your loved one is a child or adolescent in treatment, and/or if you are involved in Maudsley/Family Based Treatment, then continue with your regular outlined treatment plan through the Holidays. - If your loved ones is a child or adolescent with anorexia, then learn about the Maudsley/ Family Based Treatment approach. It is important to give this approach consideration. - If your loved one is an acute medical or self harm risk then arrange for intensive medical/psychiatric care immediately. - Get professional help for your loved one with those who have experience and expertise with eating disorder treatment. - It is important for everyone to be honest and up front with each other. - It is important to emphasize the purpose for the celebration of the holiday and focus less on food or meals. If the focus is on the holiday itself and its true meaning and purpose rather than on the food or eating disorder, it will be easier for your loved one to focus less on it herself. Emphasize time together, activities, and traditions that transcend meals and eating. Let food become a support to the holiday rather than its central focus. - It is important for family and friends not to feel responsible and guilty for the eating disorder. Additional support can come from extended family, other friends, community, and even treatment team members. If you recognize the benefit of these additional support people during the holidays, you can encourage this extra involvement rather than be hurt and offended by it. Sometimes, a person with an eating disorder might not be ready yet to receive the full love and support family and friends offer, but support and love them anyway! You can send the message, "We're here to support you and it's okay if others support you as well. We want you to have all the help you need during this time."It is important for family and friends to remove any unreasonable behavior expectations or pressures of performance. Sometimes you want so much for things to be better that you do not realize how your disappointed hopes and expectations actually play out as triggers for the eating disorder. Letting go of these specific expectations in your own mind frees you up to respond to and enjoy whatever your loved one is capable of during the holidays. It would be more helpful to express a lot of warmth, love, kindness, and acceptance toward the person - "There is no pressure to prove anything to us during the holidays. We just want to focus on being together the best we can." Eliminating specific, overt, or implicit expectations will be more beneficial than almost anything else you can do.It is important to offer care "giving" and not care "taking." Being a self declared nurse, dietitian, therapist, or detective takes you out of your most important role - "loved one"
When going into a family or social event, especially if people are aware of the eating disorder problem, it is helpful that everyone talks honestly about what will help and what will not help during the event. Armed with this knowledge, family and friends can set up some structure around holiday activities that is agreeable to all parties involved. Give reassurance about your desire to "be supportive" of them without trying to control every problem. You can respond to their feedback about what may be helpful to them by making positive adjustments. It helps to express love, gratitude, respect, and acceptance for your loved one.
Personally, I don't think that the media will ever be an effective resource for people to learn the truth and to learn about eating disorders. The media spreads a lot of false information and people tend to misinterpret the messages they hear on TV. Companies try to sell us products that will reduce our weight and make ourselves look "beautiful" by spending millions of dollars on advertisements. Consumers spend a lot of money and time trying to lose weight and buying these products that are not what the body needs. I believe that our bodies know what they need and ever one's body is different. Everyone has a different metabolism and shape, and we have to learn how to love ourselves for who we are. We need to teach children at a young age that what they say on TV is not what it is cracked up to be and that they need to have self confidence, because if they don't create an image for themselves, the media will do it for them.
Starving for the Holidays - A Tale of Anorexia Those struggling with anorexia are terrified of the holidays because they have no idea what a normal amount of food is for themselves. Most of them feel that anything they eat will mean instantaneous weight gain. In fact, some of them have said that just the sight or smell of food is terrifying to them because their fear of being fat or becoming fat is so ever-present in their minds. For some, just thinking about food is enough to create intense turmoil, pain, and guilt. Anorexia creates tremendous guilt about any kind of indulgence involving food. The eating of food becomes evidence, in their mind, that they are weak, out of control, and undisciplined. Anorexic men and women are often terrified of being seen eating food or of having people look at them while they eat. One client felt that every eye was on her at holiday gatherings. Many suffering with anorexia have shared their feelings of being immobilized by their fears about food.
"Unlike any other normal teenager, I always hated it when the holiday season would roll around. It meant that I would have to face my two worst enemies - food and people, and a lot of them. I always felt completely out of place and such a wicked child in such a happy environment. I was the only person who didn't love food, people, and celebrations. Rather, holidays for me were a celebration of fear and isolation. I would lock myself in my room. Maybe no one else gained weight over the holidays, but just the smell of food added weight to my body. My anorexia destroyed any happiness or relationships I could possibly have had." -Nineteen-year-old woman
Eating disorders have a big impact on society on a small and on a large scale; meaning both individuals and society as a whole dedicate significant parts of their lives to the struggles of dealing with eating disorders. A lot of money and time go into the troubles of dealing with an eating disorder, as well as into the measures taken in order to treat and prevent them. Eating disorders are very common amongst celebrities, mainly because their profession puts pressure on them to be skinny. The majority of celebrities that we see in the media are all skinny, and most of them are anorexic or bulimic. The fans of these celebrities look at the bodies of their idols and they want to be like them. The problem with this is that anorexic and skinny celebrities do not make good role models for their fans because their skinny figures are not a healthy look to follow. Famous people believe that in order to be successful they must be skinny. This is not true. Celebrities expose their looks and body image to the media where fans can see them and get the wrong idea that their idol's looks are acceptable when their idols are only trying to lose weight for their own "success". In a weight article, Monica Seles stated that "Women in society have much tougher pressure to be thin." It is like a cycle; celebrities are skinny in order to impress their fans and companies. They send their fans the wrong idea, thus making their fans lose weight. In the end, everyone has the idea that they must be thin and they must lose weight, thus, being skinny becomes the norm.
Some of the painful consequences of binge eating and bulimia are found in the time, planning, and dishonesty that is required to protect and cover up their eating disorder during the holidays. They often feel hatred for themselves for the ongoing deception to family and friends to excuse or explain their behaviors. In addition, they live in constant fear of being "found out" by their significant others, or in fear of continually letting others down because of their inability to stop their compulsive behaviors. Family and Friends - Turning Potential Triggers into Gifts of Support Holiday ideals epitomize what is good about family and other personal relationships. Activities during this time of year can involve family members and friends in intense and often emotional ways. Unfortunately, those with eating disorders can find it terrifying to be emotionally close with other people. In such situations they may feel vulnerable and unsafe, and then revert to their eating disorder to restore a sense of control and self-protection.
It can be helpful during the holiday season to break activities into smaller numbers of people, when possible.It is easier and less overwhelming to deal with five people than fifty people. Invite your friends or family members to participate in smaller, quieter, and less chaotic social activities and events. Simple talking and sharing as a small circle of family members or friends can do much to increase the sense of belonging and safety for someone with an eating disorder. Encourage your family member or friend to gather extra support around themselves during the holidays.
The following suggestions resulted from a survey question we asked patients in treatment: "What three suggestions do you have for family and friends who want to help the holiday season go a little better for a loved one suffering with an eating disorder?" The women offering these suggestions range in age from fourteen to forty-four, and their suggestions offer some valuable insight and understanding that could be helpful to you as a friend or a family member. Being compassionate about the struggles of the eating disorder illness can help make the Holidays less of a battle for those you love. The suggestions are: Do not make a big issue about what your loved one is eating. A little bit of encouragement is okay. - Do not focus too much on food, it may only fuel the eating disorder. - Ask her how she is doing and see if she needs any help. - Do not become angry about how the she feels, just do your best to support her. - Offer a lot of support and be aware of what may be creating anxiety and try and understand what she feels. Be understanding, kind, and supportive. - Spend quality time with your loved one. - Make sure that the primary focus of the holiday is not on the food but rather on the family and the valued time you will share together. - Allow for other activities that do not involve food, such as games, singing carols together, opening gifts, decorating, and spending time just talking together. - Allow her to make a dish that she would feel comfortable eating. - Before the Holiday itself, and before family gatherings, make agreements about how you can best help your loved one with food. Honor the agreements you make. - Do not give her loud and attention drawing praise when she does eat. - Do not talk about diets, weight loss, or weight gain. It causes great anxiety and may increase a felt need to engage in eating disorder behavior. - Do not stare. - Learn enough about the illness and the triggers to help your loved one develop skills as well as strategies to defy eating disorder thoughts and urges. - Know something about her struggles, triggers, and behaviors. Then, if you see those, you can approach her after a meal in private and suggest ways she might be helped in some of those behaviors and learn ways you can be helpful and supportive. - If you see her struggling, ask if she wants to talk, but ask this in private. - Focus on how she is feeling inside, what issues she is worrying about, what her fears are, what she needs, rather than just how much she is eating or not eating. - Try not to focus too much attention on the eating disordered behaviors. - Be patient and nurturing. - Treat her with love and respect no matter what is going on. - Let her know that she is loved. - Help her take her mind off of food by generating a conversation with her about general or important topics. - Don't allow her to excessively isolate. - Be there for her emotionally and physically with hugs and messages of love.
There are several themes that are evident in these suggestions for loved ones and friends by those suffering with eating disorders. One of the most important is to keep the primary focus and interest on the family member or friend - the individual beyond her eating behaviors or eating disorder. Consider well these suggestions, they are actually heartfelt requests. How Family and Friends Can Help During the Holidays Family members and friends need to know ways to help a loved one suffering from an eating disorder during the holidays. In addition to those suggestions offered above, the following suggestions from clinical professionals may also be helpful: - If your loved one is a child or adolescent in treatment, and/or if you are involved in Maudsley/Family Based Treatment, then continue with your regular outlined treatment plan through the Holidays. - If your loved ones is a child or adolescent with anorexia, then learn about the Maudsley/ Family Based Treatment approach. It is important to give this approach consideration. - If your loved one is an acute medical or self harm risk then arrange for intensive medical/psychiatric care immediately. - Get professional help for your loved one with those who have experience and expertise with eating disorder treatment. - It is important for everyone to be honest and up front with each other. - It is important to emphasize the purpose for the celebration of the holiday and focus less on food or meals. If the focus is on the holiday itself and its true meaning and purpose rather than on the food or eating disorder, it will be easier for your loved one to focus less on it herself. Emphasize time together, activities, and traditions that transcend meals and eating. Let food become a support to the holiday rather than its central focus. - It is important for family and friends not to feel responsible and guilty for the eating disorder. Additional support can come from extended family, other friends, community, and even treatment team members. If you recognize the benefit of these additional support people during the holidays, you can encourage this extra involvement rather than be hurt and offended by it. Sometimes, a person with an eating disorder might not be ready yet to receive the full love and support family and friends offer, but support and love them anyway! You can send the message, "We're here to support you and it's okay if others support you as well. We want you to have all the help you need during this time."It is important for family and friends to remove any unreasonable behavior expectations or pressures of performance. Sometimes you want so much for things to be better that you do not realize how your disappointed hopes and expectations actually play out as triggers for the eating disorder. Letting go of these specific expectations in your own mind frees you up to respond to and enjoy whatever your loved one is capable of during the holidays. It would be more helpful to express a lot of warmth, love, kindness, and acceptance toward the person - "There is no pressure to prove anything to us during the holidays. We just want to focus on being together the best we can." Eliminating specific, overt, or implicit expectations will be more beneficial than almost anything else you can do.It is important to offer care "giving" and not care "taking." Being a self declared nurse, dietitian, therapist, or detective takes you out of your most important role - "loved one"
When going into a family or social event, especially if people are aware of the eating disorder problem, it is helpful that everyone talks honestly about what will help and what will not help during the event. Armed with this knowledge, family and friends can set up some structure around holiday activities that is agreeable to all parties involved. Give reassurance about your desire to "be supportive" of them without trying to control every problem. You can respond to their feedback about what may be helpful to them by making positive adjustments. It helps to express love, gratitude, respect, and acceptance for your loved one.
Personally, I don't think that the media will ever be an effective resource for people to learn the truth and to learn about eating disorders. The media spreads a lot of false information and people tend to misinterpret the messages they hear on TV. Companies try to sell us products that will reduce our weight and make ourselves look "beautiful" by spending millions of dollars on advertisements. Consumers spend a lot of money and time trying to lose weight and buying these products that are not what the body needs. I believe that our bodies know what they need and ever one's body is different. Everyone has a different metabolism and shape, and we have to learn how to love ourselves for who we are. We need to teach children at a young age that what they say on TV is not what it is cracked up to be and that they need to have self confidence, because if they don't create an image for themselves, the media will do it for them.
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